Who are you, and how come I’ve never heard of you?

Unless you are an IRS Fraud Investigator, or recognized me while handing out government cheese I’m an unknown hack.

Why can’t the Easter duckling swim?

Is this a rhetorical question? It’s easier to explain the infield fly rule in baseball than explain metaphors involving chickens looking both ways or nubile muses.

The musical theme and animation rock – why should I buy your book?

Mom, it would be nice if for once you said something nice about my career. Also, I used you as a referral on my job application at Kmart.

Are you going to self publish?

Most writers experience wet dreams of getting signed by an agent, and publishers outbidding each other to acquire their book(s). Mine are skewed. I fantasize about remembering my high school locker combination and Lena Dunham’s wardrobe choices.

Do you know Elizabeth Gilbert or Amy Tan?

I actually met Liz once at a book reading (hers – not mine), and I try to avoid charity concerts that feature Pulitzer Prize winners crooning “These Boots Are Made For Walkin’.”

I’m a Nigerian royal – will you help me cash an inheritance check?

Absolutely – my credit union prefers post-dated, third party, out-of-the-country checks.

What’s your take on the Amazon – Hachette dispute?

I wish Jeff Bezos should drop ship me a free drone, and Michael Pietsch should introduce me to J.K. Rowling.

Who would you love to write the blurbs for your memoir?

Diablo Cody, Stephen King, Delilah S. Dawson, that one Duck Dynasty guy with the beard, Rick Reilly, the Paleo Diet author, and of course, Bobby Brown.